I woke up this morning filled with disappointment, it is the 22nd, and Doomsday has not arrived. To say I feel let down is an understatement, instead of looking out the window and seeing an ash covered sky, fires raging and people screaming in the streets, it is raining and there are 2 pigeons playing with a squirrel, oh what sickening torment is this? I am shocked and mortified that those bloody ancient Mayans, with less technology than the family of 10 in a council flat down the road, were not able to make a doomsday prediction thousands of years into the future. How could they get it wrong? Read the stars, stare off into space, take a bit of ayahuasca, and let baby Jesus guide you through the future while gently stroking your hand so you don’t freak out.
To say I feel let down is an understatement, I went out and bought a family size pack of quality streets, I put on my new shoes so I could outrun the looters, and I shaved so the Messiah wouldn’t think I was a hobo, how quickly ones dreams can be shattered. Now we know it isn’t the end of the world, and I am left with yolk on my face, and I’m embarrassed to boot. So where to from here? How do I fill my life with purpose, what is there to look forward to since the Mayans let us all down? The only plausible way out of this I can think of, is to lay down my own doomsday prediction, and one which is more likely to come true because I did science and stuff in school.
So, according to me, and the calender on my Samsung Galaxy S2, the new date for Doomsday is,
27 March 2015, ifteen, ifteen, fteen, een, een. (that’s an echo, it makes things dramatic)
Get out your Smart phones and set a reminder for the morning before the cataclysmic event, so you know the day before it happens, and not on the day when it is too late (works with birthdays too). Book the day off work, don’t make plans for the following weekend, stock up on cigarettes (they will be the new currency), build a bomb shelter, and the day before, go out and buy loads of food and water, or just a gun so you can take other peoples food and water. If you don’t, you might end up having to eat your loved ones, we’ve all been there and it’s not fun, not to begin with anyway.
On this doomsday a meteor will come flying in from outer space, invisible to us because it is very, very sneaky. Super volcanoes will erupt spewing ash into the air which will cover the sun for a hundred years, earthquakes deep in the ocean will cause tsunamis which will wipe out 70% of the land, there will be a huge solar flare which smothers us in radiation, and just for that final kick in the pants, a virus will mutate and turn us all into boil covered mushy messes.
Why this date? And why is all this shit gonna kick off on one day? Well, it’s less dramatic if things take time to go wrong, but mainly because the planets will all line up with our galaxies black hole, and super gravity will make shit go crazy.
I know what your thinking, he’s right! but for the doubters out there, I know these things because I took loads of acid in my twenties, and the swirly colors told me so. Also, it just kinda popped into my head, like fate or something. I know after the numerous let downs of the past, it will be hard to take stock in my doomsday prediction, but I have no doubt you can put your question marks aside and embrace my beliefs as your own, you can’t deny that date rings true somehow, you can feel it in your gut, and also that part of the brain which deals in irrational thinking.
(Flash forward to the 27 March 2015)
YOU SEE! I told you it was coming! Now Jesus is here, doomsday is upon us, the aliens are taking on animals two by two, and you’re not ready! You were too busy playing your games, working your jobs, plowing your fields, and now Jesus says he isn’t gonna wait, and your stuck here with the pestilence, and the nuclear winter and what not, and I’m heading off to Gliese 581G to ensure the survival of the human race, and baby alien Jesus says I’ll be fine, ’cause I listen, and I stockpiled all my shit, and now I’m the one sharing out snack size chocolates for special favors, who’s crazy now?! Huh, who’s GODDAM CRAZY NOW!?!
P.S. I have a safe house for keeping big screen T.V’s and gadgets, as well as a giant safe for cash, if you want me to look after your shit when doomsday arrives, email me and I promise to keep it safe.