This post seems surprisingly hard to write. Sarah and I have just come back from a three day road trip through the Yucatan, and we had a great time. So you would think the words would spill, but unfortunately I am still dealing with the not smoking thing, and probably withdrawal from the Champix. So where I want to write a straight forward account of our road trip, I am having a hard time focusing on it.
I have been a non-smoker for three weeks now, and it seems like I am entering another stage of withdrawals, in fact I want a smoke more now than any time in the first three weeks, and it is making common things seem difficult. I have used a myriad of alternatives to fill the void left by smoking, mostly focused around food which is making the losing weight thing not go so well. I am still having a hard time writing anything decent, I have been having morbid dreams and thoughts, and my motivation in general is sitting somewhere just above zero percent. In short, I feel bleh.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit to thinking a few times about just taking the habit up again, in fact as I write this my mind is telling me to do so, after all I was being creative and felt so much better about things when I was smoking. Sure my health wasn’t so good, and I was a slave to the habit, but at least I didn’t feel so shit all the time.
It is strange how the mind works, all those things which seemed so clear when I was thinking of giving it up, now seem to have faded behind all those things which tell me why I should pick it up again. I am struggling not to, like a lot. It is a weird feeling though, I don’t actually want to be smoking, I just don’t want to feel like this, and of course I know that the quickest way not to feel like this, would be to start smoking again.
It sure ain’t easy, but I have told myself whatever happens, hold out for at least three months and then see how you feel. I have told myself three months because the last time I quit I remember being happy to be a non-smoker once I reached the two to three month line. So no matter how shit I feel now, if I can just hold out that long, something in the back of my mind is telling me it will get better, it will go away and the sun will shine through the clouds again.
Unfortunately something in the front of my mind is telling me that it won’t be, and that if I ever want to finish my masterpiece of fiction I should pick up a pack and get stuck in. I am for now ignoring this larger part of my brain, despite it driving me crazy with depressing thoughts and emotions which are normally reserved for depressing and morbid moments but now seem to be ever at the forefront.
Its funny, I could ramble off all sorts of reasons for feeling miserable, and in my current state they would all seem valid, they all do seem valid. Yet again though there is that little bit of my mind which is holding onto reality and letting me know that my life is great. That I have a ridiculous amount of options available to me, that I have so much to look forward to. I know all these things, but the addiction is telling me it’s all bullshit, and that if I have a smoke it will all just go away. That somehow I will be back to my chipper self and all the better for having sucked down a bit of dried grass.
Three weeks down. Two months and one week to go. I just have to hold on that long, and I will. After that I hope I have reached a place where I no longer feel like I do now. Where I can be grateful for what I have and am. I am hoping I will be writing and creating again, and that the morbidity Sarah has to suffer through at the moment will have passed. If it doesn’t I have very little doubt that I will start smoking again. I don’t think it will come to this though, because by three months I should have broken this hard hitting habit. I want to have broken it, as long as I can keep the vestiges of my sanity intact.
So, two months and one week to go. I just have to remember why I wanted to quit in the first place, what was it that made me so sure I wanted to stop? Hmmm….
Remind me why I quit in the first place, sometimes it is hard to see when you’re in the moment.