whitefish vacuum killer

A creature of comfort

I have stayed in a lot of places in my time on this Earth, moving around more than a teenage orphan with behavioral issues and a penchant for substance abuse. The abodes I have aboded in range from a sleeping bag on wooden boards in the freezing Himalayan mountain ranges to cowboy cabins in confusingly named towns with a crazy man who screams at you for driving faster than five miles an hour.

I stayed in a hostel room in China filled with unwashed barely above the poverty line travelers with dreadlocks / dirty hair and five star hotel rooms in Singapore, Hong Kong and Thailand.

I have stayed in hotels, motels and the occasional holiday inn. Under Democratic, Theocratic and Communist rule. I have lived in cold places, hot places and places which were just right. I lived in all three stories of a hotel for months and spent a year in a tiny studio apartment by the beach. There is not a place or house type I have not lain my head for at least one night. Except maybe a barn, but what am I? Jesus?! No one sleeps in a barn these days…

All these fabulous places I have graced with my presence, yet I have never stayed in a place like this.

whitefish house montana

whitefish montana kitchen

What place is that? Well it all begins in a quaint little town in Montana called, Whitefish. A town so unassuming and adorable that you would never believe what resides deep within its squeaky clean bowels. Surely this is not the type of place you would expect to find so devious a premises. In the plant world she would be known as Dionaea muscipula, aka, the Venus Fly Trap. In the house world we call her, Temptress!

She just gets me. I have never been cradled and mollycoddled by inanimate objects to the point where I start to question whether maybe, just maybe, this house is reading my mind. I know it sounds crazy, but you haven’t seen the things I’ve seen. You haven’t opened the door to a world which can be controlled without moving…anything but your thumb. I’ve been there, I’ve seen things man…

There are a thousand little touches which make this place this place, comforts so subtle that occasionally I giggle softly to myself with a “of course it has that” look on my face, smirking and whispering “You go girl” in a way that only lunatics in straight jackets and people with Bluetooth headsets might appreciate.

I haven’t named the house of course because that is ridiculous, you can’t name someone elses house, idiot. That would be like looking after someone elses child and giving it an interim name while under your care. However, if I was to call out to the house when no one else was listening, I would probably call it something like Super Amazing, or just Miss Amazing for short. Miss and not missus because she is too special to belong to one man and amazing because, well, she is amazing, idiot…

From the moment I stepped over the threshold I new this was going to be a special five weeks. Greeted by a constant temperature emanating from the floor and soft lighting which accentuated her dark wooden curves and black and white color scheme, I did that weird solo giggle thing to myself and knew it was all over.

Bob and Wendy showed us around Ms. Amazing but their voices floated around my periphery as I took all of her in. I could see the well deserved pride in their eyes as they revealed one saucy feature after another to us. Built in coffee machine, always on hot tub, programmable rain shower with more heads than a mythological Greek monster and a hands free toilet with glute pleasing pre-warmed seat that just gets me, it just, you know, gets me…

whitefish bathroom

With every corner we turned and every cranny we peeked into more marvels availed themselves to us. Glorious things which have no business being here on this dirty mud ball of a planet and which I could imagine being features of my house in Heaven one day. The beds are super comfy, the microwave is huge, the fireplace comes on with the click of a button, THERE IS A VACUUM CLEANER THAT LIVES IN THE WALLS!

Click the image for a full scale version of the Vacuum Killer!

vacuum-killer

Every where you look there is something I didn’t know I wanted, but now I don’t know how I will live without. My life is forever changed. Damn you Bob and Wendy, damn you for letting us stay in your incredibly awesome house…

Yesterday I left the house for a couple hours, at least my body did, but my mind and my heart was curled up on the couch using the universal remote to control the lighting and features of every room. My soul had stretched out and thumbed on the fireplace then brought up Netflix on the super clear TV so that I might luxuriate the day away in spirit if not in body.

Today I don’t have the strength to fight its all encompassing embrace, so I think I will just let my body join the rest of me as I snuggle up in front of the telly, thumb poised on the all powerful remote while the toilet softly whispers my name in the background. Oh Ms. Amazing, you complete me…

If you want to share in the joy that is Miss Amazing, contact “The Lodge at Whitefish Lake” and ask to stay in “The Viking Creek Cabin“, your world will be rocked.

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8 Comments
  • Sarah
    Posted at 17:21h, 23 November Reply

    Not sure I should leave you two alone…
    Sarah recently posted…Evolving in RecoveryMy Profile

    • booth_1@hotmail.com
      Posted at 13:19h, 25 November Reply

      There’s plenty to go around, just keep the green eyed monster in check 🙂

  • SOS
    Posted at 13:00h, 24 November Reply

    hahaha this sounds dirty in a super clean, pure kind of way! Love your sense of humor and your appreciation of the finer things u so richly deserve!
    SOS recently posted…suicide momMy Profile

    • booth_1@hotmail.com
      Posted at 13:22h, 25 November Reply

      Why thank you, next time we meet I will break out the grey poupon and caviar.

  • Rhonda
    Posted at 13:56h, 24 November Reply

    It does look lovely but I am beginning to question Sarah ever getting you to leave 🙂 Enjoy your time in lovely Montana!

  • Patti
    Posted at 16:02h, 24 November Reply

    Well, all I can say is that it’s a shame you have to live in such squalor for the next few weeks. Buck up and take one day at a time. 😉
    Patti recently posted…Grateful – vs – Thankful ~My Profile

    • booth_1@hotmail.com
      Posted at 13:24h, 25 November Reply

      I’m trying Patti, but it’s not easy. I think I’ll go for a Jaccuz to cheer myself up 🙂

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