…”Please don’t touch my testicles again, massage gone wrong“
When writing and titling the post, I thought,now there is a catchy name, one that will stand up and make people pay attention (pun intended), what I did not foresee, somewhat short sightedly, was that this would become my most popular post, that everyday my Google search hits would lean heavily towards the internets dirty underbelly. Now don’t get me wrong, I, like the vast majority of internet users, have at some point perused the hedonistic options accessible to the modern man, perhaps not quite the same hedonistic options as people landing on my post, but each to their own.
It became apparent fairly quickly that I was somewhat misleading these poor souls, men (and presumably women) in search of a very different internet experience than the one I was delivering, and although I do not know your names or where you come from, I believe it only right that I atone for my sins and make good on that most heinous of crimes, the fabulously named, cock block (or female equivalent).
So may I offer an apology, to those people landing on my page when they type “hot oil massage 3 way 2 men 1 women“. Perhaps I am being presumptuous but I assume you are looking for something other than a travel blog. Please forgive my having directed you away from your true goal, and probably delaying the relief and satisfaction you were searching for.
To the sporting elite who innocently typed in Google “testicle tug of war“, and instead found yourself looking at a couple of Indian men with hard bodies. I apologise for delaying the quenching of your thirst for Olympian achievements, I pray you find a more fitting place to indulge your desire for sportsmanship and the sense of fulfilment it bestows upon us athletes of the modern world.
I should also offer up a “my deepest regrets” to the poor fellow eager to share with the world the fact that his beloved bestows upon him a delightful gift, why else would he search “my wife massages my testicles“. How selfish of me to hamper your bragging rights, please, revel in your good fortune and do not let my foolishness hamper you any longer.
Perhaps the only consolation I can offer to these poor misunderstood members of our internet fraternity, is that I shall do my best to no longer mislead you, to no longer pull you from your righteous pursuits or delay the gratification you so obviously crave, perhaps I might even be helpful, let me attempt to answer some of the questions you have so bravely typed into your search engine of choice, consider it a prelude to the “Dear Tyrhone” column that will likely never see the light of day.
To the individual asking Dear Tyrhone, “how to massage testicles“, may I suggest finding a good masseuse and leaving this most honourable of occupations to the professionals, such delicate parts require a deft hand to elicit all their potential fully.
To the lady wanting to improve her skill set, or the man who likes to get it just right when they asked “how many testicles to massage“, may I suggest starting with the left, moving on to the right, and just seeing where nature takes you. Aside from a few unfortunates either missing a part or with an extra endowed, you have a 50-50 chance of finding the right answer yourself.
Finally, if you are that most inquisitive soul who searched “masseuse touched my balls will i get happy ending“, may I suggest playing it cool and letting her/him make the first move. If there is one thing I learned through my years as a lady deterrent, it’s that no one likes an eager beaver.
Hmmm, “eager beaver“, I think I see the keywords my next slew of Google searches might comprise of. Please, to avoid confusion, ensure you start your search with the phrase “Dear Tyrhone”, and I shall know you seek my help in a world which is desperately looking for answers.