It had been about a week since I had flown, and I was starting to get that feeling again, you know the one I mean, the one that says “You should really be doing such and such”. I still struggle with this sometimes. The feeling that there are certain things I am obligated to do.
Things which because I have an opportunity to do, or because I have put so much effort into, or because I told everyone (including myself) how amazing they were that I should be doing at every opportunity!
But, I am an extremely fickle person. One with numerous passions which I get ridiculously passionate about for a stretch of time, and then move on. Most of the time I just jump around between those passions adding the occasional new one in. I am an all or nothing kind of guy.
For example, I am on a tuna kick at the moment, which means I am eating two to four cans of tuna and crackers a day, before this I hadn’t eaten a can of tuna for around seven years!
I have just left my “Vampire Diaries” kick behind after watching about eight hours of it a day.
When I lived in London I did the usual London thing and got crazy into drugs and undoubtedly took it way too far. Now I am a teetotaler (I have never been a drinker and quit smoking) without any desire or craving for anything stronger than two cans of tuna and a packet of crackers!
When we were travelling through Thailand we took a few months in one place and I took the opportunity to learn how to make Computer Games. I basically spent about two months doing nothing but focusing on how to make a computer game (I never did, but I could), and I mean don’t leave the room kind of nothing else.
Then I wanted to learn to fly, and within a few months not only could I fly, but I owned my own flying machine!
And of course the big one, I couldn’t just take a year off and travel, Sarah and I had to do this thing one hundred percent for as long as we want to, or not at all (thank baby Jesus we chose one hundred percent!).
I am an extreme kind of guy.
All or nothing, but it works for me most of the time. I just need to learn when my brain is correct and when it is making things up based around the waffle it has absorbed over the last thirty three years.
Not everything and every thought needs to be judged or acted on. I am pretty sure that all humans share the insanity of an internal mind, the stuff that never leaves your mouth because not only could it cause an intense amount of destruction in your life and the life of others, but also because you don’t really mean it or feel that way.
Our brains do some seriously cool shit, including taking in all the stuff which goes on around you and in you during the day. All your past life and all your potential life are at least considered on the periphery of your grey matter to try and facilitate the best outcome for you, or the worst depending on how destructive you are feeling.
The hard part is sifting through a mountain of junk mail in search of the worthwhile things, which can be tough when you have a lifetime of Nigerian princes clogging up the works.
There are things I know, there are things I don’t know, and then there is the most inconvenient mush of all, the things I think I know which mixes in with the good stuff and makes it all very hard to get in order.
I know that I am free to do what I please and I know that I am able to do most of those things. What I don’t know a lot of the time, is which of them I actually want to do, which I feel obligated to do, and which I am just being to lazy to do.
And therein lies the problem. Well not really a problem so much as a natural by product of being human. Despite its obvious advantages, free will and the freedom of choice it gives us can be a real pain in the ass.
I am getting better at figuring out when I am feeling which emotion, when I am being too lazy, or when I am putting too much needless pressure on myself. But it is a work in progress.
Yesterday I made myself fly because I hadn’t for a week and was starting to feel some kind of guilt. I actually had to walk myself through a process of mind farts to figure out why and what I should do about it. This time I decided that it was laziness holding me back and not fear. If it was fear I would definitely fly, but sometimes I find laziness is a more acceptable reason not to do stuff.
In the end I did fly, and I had an awesome one, it was only about ten minutes as a storm blew in and I had to get out of the air pronto. But it felt good to have a great launch and landing and to have made the right decision. Also it felt good to have put on a pair of pants and have done something outside of a computer screen (just to be clear though, I love doing stuff inside a computer screen! I just get computer fever after a couple days).
I suppose the largely unintelligible point I am making is that I am not obligated to do anything, but with the storm cloud of farts / thoughts bumbling around our mushy purple minds it sometimes takes a bit of effort to figure out what we really want and why. Sometimes it is OK that I can’t be bothered to do the most amazing thing I have ever learned to do, because at the end of the day, it is my party, and dammit, I will only fly if I want to.
Yesterday I flew, today I wore underpants, I wasn’t obligated to do either, but I did both, and I’m OK with that. And PS, here is a video I made to prove it (the flying part). I think it is another really really good one, so tell me so in the comments 🙂